I can't explain how I feel right now. It's kind of a hurting feeling.

As usual, it's coming from not seeing her for awhile, but at the same time, it's knowing she's having fun with friends while I'm stuck a million miles away.

Actually, maybe only two miles, but it seems as long as a million miles.

The other hurt keeps coming from the other thing that blew up in my face that night.

It's the same hurt I felt when Mike's mother died, desperately wanting to do something for him, but can't do it because I don't know him. Or is it because I don't have the guts? I'd go with a combination between the two.

The last wake I went to had the body lying there in a casket. I couldn't go to the wake and see Mike (different one) there. Not after I saw him wave to me and say "Hey, see you later!" like he was my best friend.

For some reason that was one of those past experiences that comes back to you in a daydream on a regular basis.

And at the same time I think that maybe I'm not going for selfish reasons. I can't drag the answer out. Maybe it's because it's mentally impossible for me to do so, or maybe it's because something hidden inside me knows that if I knew what I REALLY thought then I would probably kill myself. If that makes any sense.

I have a feeling that before I get to spring my surprise on Friday you'll opt out of it, and say you have something else to do. But whatever. If you in fact are reading this, and you do end up being with me on Friday, you'd better act damn surprised.