When I was six, I asked my father to draw me a picture of a fox. I couldn't figure out how to do the nose. He did it to the best of his ability, and that's when I realized (let's be honest, I'm retrospectively realizing it now) that that he used to be a fine artist. His paintings are scattered around the house. But that part of him played such a small role in his life after we were born. Like our parents in college, it's a part of him I never knew.

While it at first upsets me, I get over it and I realize that it makes sense: you get to the point where you want a family, so you need to do what you have to to provide, or at least get ready to do so. For my dad, he went into graphic design, because it was the moneymaker in the art world back the late 70s, early 80s. I don't actually know if he would have kept painting, if he enjoyed it that much. But it is a little bit defeating to think about giving up passions.

I think that might be the difference between my brother and I. D sees my father's path and recognizes it's the way to success. I look at it and see a loss of joy (and you could argue that he regained his joy in his family, but I'm writing this from the perspective of a twenty-blah who has no intention of starting a family).

Both of them are home now, D and my father. The house is full, the couch is occupied for the night, the computer will be occupied in the morning when I wake. College style bathroom sharing.

D unpacks and unloads his future, his business cards, his 'leave-behinds' for interviews. He's got two huge job offers right now, for Discovery Channel and some lacrosse company based in Schenectady. Unbelievably driven. Destined for greatness. The neighbors become disappointed when they realize they're talking to me and not him when I'm leaving my house.

So odd to feel like the younger brother. There's only so many times you can hear 'But you're doing what you love' before you send out your resume to as many companies as you can, begging them, 'TAKE MY JOY, TAKE THE AMBITION I SOLD MYSELF WHEN I WAS 14, TAKE IT ALL AND GIVE ME WHAT I SHOULD HAVE WANTED ALL ALONG.'