Coming home is a predicament, a lot of the time. There are things and people that I have to sort between, with regards to what I should be doing, what I need to do, what I want to do, I wish I wanted to.

It feels like I'm still away at college when I come back to my parents' house. I'm supporting myself elsewhere (barely), but returning makes me feel dependent again. And every time I come back--now I'm talking about anywhere, not just this house--it feels like no time has passed. I could be gone for a month, I could be gone six days. When I get back to where I started from, it may as well be the same day I left.

I think a lot about a post I saw on reddit once. I was searching for break-up advice after K left. This person began his statement by describing hot days, and how feeling a cool breeze on those days is one of the most pleasant experiences you can have. He said that he avoids disappointment in dating by having no expectations, ever. Once in a while a breeze passes through, and it's an appreciated, momentary relief.

Kach is a cool breeze. Not exactly a port in a storm. She could never be that solid a person. It's unconditional affection, which she shows for everyone, but I also believe that she means it. I don't get touched on the back by anyone but her, no one else leans against me. No one else kisses me.

Tonight I took a roundabout way home. I was behind the wheel of my father's Cadillac, which is a dream to drive. The acceleration and handling are so smooth. My brother calls it 'The Batmobile'. Jet black, slim CTS profile, roars when you step on the gas.

Driving away from Kach, I was driving away from a hug and another one of those kisses that come from nowhere and lead to nothing. I put the windows down and moved towards the highway, 'Rebellion (Lies)' by Arcade Fire came on the radio. I was at a red light by the on-ramp, and I sat there for a minute before it changed to green. When it did, I brought the windows down fully and turned the music up and rode up to the highway.

I let myself go and it felt so good to push the accelerator down. I was speeding, and I cared only a little bit. I let go of everything except my last ounce of restraint, just enough to keep me from getting out of control. No K, no Kach, no apartment hunting, no ukulele playing, no debate about career choices. I don't think I've done that before. Wind in my face, passing other cars.

I left the highway a few exits later and headed home.