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bands with managers
2012-10-03 - 1:08 a.m.

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I'm done with that. She's been calling me every few days for something or another, but eventually she'll stop. She has so many good things about to happen for her. So hard to walk away, but I know it's a call I can live with. I wasn't a band member and I didn't like being around her. I just keep telling myself that.

I played a solo show tonight. Better than last time, but there was still no one there. The headlining band was bad and old. I watched them sound-check while reading this article on Grizzly Bear. It made me want to stop everything.

When I rode the train home with my wet guitar bag and suitcase I stared into space. I got really upset and felt like I never see attractive women on the Outbound Q-Train. They all get off at Union Square.

I want to go into the woods with Joe, when/if he hikes the Pacific Crest. Six months on the trail. Getting disgusting and turning off my cell-phone for all of that time. I can hear Sam now, screaming like he does at me about destroying what little momentum I might be able to gather.

Who the fuck cares, though? I didn't have fun playing tonight. I didn't enjoy it. It's masturbatory. I'm by my fucking self up there. Down here. I'm trying to build something alone, and it fucking sucks. The people around me are flakes, this is a dying and maybe dead industry.

I want so badly to find something more in this. To believe that not living comfortably is worth it. It isn't now, and I know I haven't given it a chance, but goddamn, this is shit.

More people need to hear this. The music video will be done soon. I'll plan this right and see if it has any effect. I won't throw in the towel if it flops, but it would be pretty devastating.

I can't place ultimatums on this, but at some point this sadness needs to stop.

earlier - later