There is a deep sadness underlying my fun and I'm aware of it as I drink more and more. It stems from the realization that in this fun I have, women do not find me charming, handsome or desirable. And tomorrow I will feel it. It will weigh on me when I wake up and it will persist throughout the day. When I dream, I dream of K, and I see that I have made little to no progress in almost a year. I am now mid-20's and it doesn't feel good to joke.