I can't decide if I should be grateful for or annoyed by these dreams. It's the only way to relive that love. It could be a great exercise in memory.

But I have to call it like I feel it, and when I wake up I feel so confused and disoriented. It festers over the course of the morning, and I don't want to leave the apartment.

I go through songbooks, sitting on my bed and singing other peoples' songs, looking to release this tension inside of me, if only through my fingers and a melody that isn't mine.

I took two days off from running, that might have something to do with how I'm handling it. My brain starts to melt when I take off, but I had to do it when I felt the right ball of my foot getting sore.

I was sitting on my bed this morning with my guitar, getting close to breaking down, searching for some progression to make me feel better. It was raining outside, but I couldn't stand another day. I put on my running gear and some old shoes and hit it.

I felt clearer when I got back, but still this disturbance in my gut. Over a year out, I've been with other women, I'm learning a lot about myself, but I still miss her.

This week especially, but for what reason?