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I could go anywhere. I could just pick a spot on the map.
2013-06-19 - 1:46 a.m.

K reached out again last night. I responded with one sentence at a time until she finally gave up, said, "Thanks for putting up with my questions."

I felt like a jerk and after a few minutes I responded that I still couldn't talk to her. That after she messaged me last night I put my phone in my pocket and walked six blocks to the subway, thinking so hard about my response that I got clotheslined on a subway turnstile. Ten seconds later I tried to walk down an escalator moving the opposite direction.

She replied with a long paragraph on how I was her best friend for six years, how she misses talking to me. She imagines me reaching out to her someday to ask her how she is.

I told her that was unrealistic to think that we'd be able to talk like we used to. We don't fit into each other's lives, and trying to force it would turn me into a head case. I told her that I still get angry.

But I also told her that I loved her and her family to death. That if that they ever needed anything from me, I would be there in a heartbeat. That being said, I told her that I couldn't reach out to her.

The things I didn't say would have been mean. Uncalled for. I think she's dumb for continuing to reach out to me under the pretense of wondering how I'm doing.

I don't understand what she thinks she can get out of me. I'm literally conversing with an avatar that is an image of her and her new boyfriend.

I can't talk to her because I feel like such a fucking loser. I feel dumb and unattractive. I feel like I'm inept at the job I sold-out to. I feel like a musical hack. I feel lazy. I have no idea why I am where I am. I have no idea where I want to be.

I don't need to ask how she is because I know all that I need to know. She renewed her contract to return to South Korea. She has a boyfriend. She's doing fine.

She said that it's been over a year and she doesn't know when we'll ever talk again. She might think that I don't care. She doesn't know that I've thought about her every day. If she did, then maybe she'd realize that she doesn't need the absolution she's searching for.

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