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It has been: 200 days without incident of p in va-g
2014-10-18 - 4:52 a.m.

I feel rotten. The first sign of difficulty, my mind drifts to giving up. I feel wicked, the last two days at work have been excruciating. My stupid mustache and my hair is reaching to my shoulders. I'm a fucking walking cliche. I want to cut both off but I remember how unremarkable I looked without them.

Tonight came so easy. She reached out to me, kept in contact all week, made the extra effort to come out late to meet me, invited me up to see her apartment, offered me water, playfully kicked out at me when I teased her. And she kept walking towards me when I started walking backwards. I kissed her on the cheek and she hugged me so hard and when we pulled away we kissed.

She kissed me like I kissed her. She bit my lip and her tongue touched my tongue. She was shaking when I touched her face and then her hips. I pressed her into the wall but I felt like a kid. My stupid mustache felt stupid.

She talks like me and laughs like me and comes back so quickly. She's a couple years older than me. I can see the crow's feet around her eyes and I think she looks venerable. Handsome in the way that a woman can be, a sweet strength.

I spend so much of it watching from outside. This oddly level playing field, that ease of talking and joking that I usually reserve for women that I have no interest in. Trying to figure out what exactly is going on, what kind of prank is this? She was so responsive, so turned on, and I believed it. I believe it. But I smile because how wrong or desperate or crazy must she be to be enjoying this, she doesn't even know me and I can't be that good of a lay. We knew each other in college. Kind of.

I think more about the touching thing. Did I really miss touch? I was aroused, but did I feel present? Was this just like every other time someone touches me and I recoil? It felt good, but just really, really far away.

I didn't give myself the chance to see if I could sleep in the same bed. She didn't, either! She was upfront and said she didn't care if I stayed or went.

I think this was adults having sex.

earlier - later