i got out of the car from going out to dinner with my grandfather and the rest of my immediate family. i stepped out of the car and about three feet away from my foot was this dead squirrel.

it made me sick to look at it, but at the same time i wanted to take a picture of it. it would be a Parker-ish picture in a way, because the way the orange street light was hitting it was kind of...well...beautiful (see?), but at the same time i have a hard time believing that parker would take a picture of a dead animal that had been flattened like a pancake.

i kind of feel bad that my brother has turned out the way he has. i guess anyone with a sibling knows what it's like to be pissed off at them. it's not uncommon for two siblings to be almost complete opposites, but to have him look up and ask me how to spell a word that any freshman in highschool would know is really kind of sad.

and as much as i'd like to say i'm not trying to seem better than him, i can't deny that fact. there's nothing wrong with laughing at "poo-poo-pee-pee" jokes (i just wrote poopoopeepee...kill me), but just the way Danny talks like a first grader makes me almost ashamed. no, it's more of a feeling of pity. i try not to feel pity normally, but now it's not something i can just stop.

he walked up the stairs two seconds ago and said, "i hate you." the extent to which his mind reaches almost makes me ashamed. he is not mentally handicapped. he is a jock. he has no real friends, friends he can confide in. he has other dumb jock friends that he can play Madden 2004 with, that he can try to impress, that he can learn how to say "shut the fuck up, mom" (i guess i've learned that from my friends too...). He can learn about how to mistreat a girl from them, and how to "get some pussy," which unbelieveably will be possible for him because the girls he "chills with" are really on the same frequency as him.

and i've been sharing a room with him for six months now. it's impossible to hold a conversation with him, because i never am one to initiate the conversation, and even if i did he wouldn't take any interest to it if it didn't involve sports or poop or something.

i now know how my dad feels when he wants me to come to him with questions about life. but i won't make my brother like me. as much as i would like him to listen to a radiohead CD or pick up a guitar and strum some chords, i can't try and make him something he's not, like my father has tried to do with me.