it's like a lottery. sometimes it makes me feel really good, and other times it wrecks me. Today, it was a feel-gooder, but then that paranoia guy in my head came in an almost wrecked it.

THE SEIS shouldn't have been like that. (I kind of feel dumb calling it THE SEIS, but now the name just kind of stuck.) What you didn't see was me leaning on my front door, wishing you would turn around, wishing you would come back to the door.

And that was yesterday's trigger.

The rest of the day was me staring straight ahead. I did homework for an hour or two. Ate supper. Went online. But I set aside some time for music.

My brother can really tell that I have a problem when I go in my room at 7:30 and turn out the lights and lie down and listen to music. I feel bad for him because I confuse him so much. He doesn't even know if I'm even going out with Julia because he sees me tearing myself up over it all the time as if she had just left me. That's another bad part about sharing a room: I can't hide from him.

As for the breakdown...I don't know how to explain that. It was an event that I couldn't explain. It was the worst paranoia that has ever set it on me. Burying my head under my pillow wouldn't work...i went in my dad's old room (old room, because he's sleeping with my mom again). I came back in after awhile and I couldn't sleep. And because I couldn't sleep, he couldn't sleep.

Sometimes, if I start looking at it even more closely, I start to feel better. If I let myself drift for a few minutes...let myself feel comfortable, take you for granted, just believe its never going end, i feel alright. It think it's called living for the moment. It's a good feeling. I really should start to feel that way more, it might help me out. I would say it would help "us" out, but you don't show me any hints of problems that you think about.

The last time you did that was when you told me you didn't want me to go to college. And that was that. Just like you want[ed] me to tell you that I love you and i need you, I need that too, as girly as that sounds.

I don't want to play the flat character "boyfriend." I want to be a main character in the story of you.

I don't want to play the flat character of bassist. I want to play the "best friend" role in a story of friendship.

and everytime you ask me what I am thinking, this should be what I say.

I just did my english homework with my teacher sitting next to me.