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What it's like to die.
2007-01-04 - 10:47 p.m.

I don't get this, I don't get why everything is kind of crashing and being weird all at the wrongright times. Like right now, for instance, my wisdom teeth are gone, I'm sitting in my kitchen typing on my stupid stupid laptop listening to these obscure Radiohead b-sides that I'm not really listening to.


At least I'm coherent enough to use html page breaks.


But there are fucked up objects raining from the sky across the country, a guy just saved another guy from getting run over by the train, and I just saw A Scanner Darkly, and I'm so perplexed, and I think I know what it's like to die, because being put to sleep in that oral surgeon's chair was the worst thing that could have ever happened to me.


Because he said, as he pinched me with the needle, "I'm sorry...still friends?" and I said, "Yeah, ha." And then he went, "This is going to burn," and it did and I tried to make noise, but all I could do was move my left arm (which was unusable because of my evasive veins) until the nurse said, "This is just going to make it so you can't move," as she strapped velcro around my arms.


And then I died.


And then they brought me back to life, the two nurses holding me by my arms walked me down a hallway and into a waiting room that was really just a cushion and a curtain. And my dad was there, and he wouldn't let me go back to sleep, just said, "Swallow, you can swallow."


I could swallow, apparently because I had ripped the gauze out of my mouth after the resuscitation. And I started crying, and dad couldn't figure it out. It didn't hurt [yet]; it couldn't have, because they had killed me with laughing gas, novacaine, and an IV. But I kept crying and I knew why, but dad just didn't get it. I said, "Poison," over and over, but dad just kept saying, "Don't go back to sleep."


I wonder if we should be scared of death anymore. If it's anything like what happened, then it will just be a moment of pain that doesn't matter because of the nothing that follows.

earlier - later