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one week and 5 days to fulfill tord's prophecy.
2008-05-27 - 1:54 a.m.

I feel so fucking ugly. I haven't seen a picture of myself that I've liked in months. Just the ones that are blurry. This stupid fucking haircut. That's what I get for being a cheap/weak/impatient bastard. I just look like an idiot.

My camera bit it. I put a pop-top water bottle in my bag and it opened. My John Cheever anthology is swollen at the binding from taking on so much water. My moleskin is fine, not that anything worthwhile was in there in the first place. Doesn't matter. "I don't keep books to have them look pretty." I can still read the text, they're fine.

I have the camera drying now under a hot light. It won't turn on, just makes a barely audible death noise when I put my ear up to it. Thinking about not having it makes my stomach hurt. I'm not connected to this thing, I just don't want to have to buy a new one. And I don't want to not be able to take pictures. Dilemma.

London is just winding down. Winding down. Down. I'd like to get on the plane tomorrow morning. Look, I know my camera's got me in a bad mood now. All negative aspects of my surroundings are jumping out at me, and, yes, if my camera suddenly works when I put the battery back in, things will start looking a bit better. The sun will be out tomorrow, I won't be annoyed at things that K is saying despite the fact that I know I'm being one-sided and ignorant, my iTunes would stop playing shitty songs, home won't seem like such a frightening place (because it is, it is, it is).

Home seems like a nice idea in my head. American food, friends, playing some tunes. Then I start to play it out in my mind, and I realize the impracticality of me playing said tunes with said friends, realize that having two or three 'maybe jobs' aren't real jobs and I'll end up fucked, realize that my father will still be my father, realize that my girlfriend is still K, and K has a tendency to hate me on a regular basis, realize that there is a good chance of this summer being awful, along with the school year after it, a good chance of feeling small small small small small (not my body, though!) and then once I finally feel big again I'll want to shrink. Still not a person yet. Working on it, though.

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