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koz choe
2009-07-20 - 1:54 a.m.

When I look at her profile pictures, I think of London. A thousand self-portrait headshots, staring at the camera, making a face, showing off a new haircut. More specifically, I think of Jon. And even more specifically than that I think of her and Jon.

The loss of respect sinks in about then, and I lose faith in her emotions, second guess the relationship, believe that she never fell for me/she fell for how it felt. Because, really, a logical person should see the obvious about the second time around, that you're trying to win back something, remember it. Whatever.

And if I cycle back through her profile pictures I watch her change back into someone I didn't know, or someone that tried to forget about me. Her hair parts back to the middle for good and gets hacked off only to have grown another six inches by the next frame. Every photo the big/small almond eyes and huge cheekbones, the ones that make me feel weird because yes, they make her look handsome and is it weird to be in love with a girl who is both handsome and pretty?

When she chooses to put up ones of us together, there's always one solo portrait before and after. The indicator of me doing something stupid to make her mad even though it's not really that big a deal in the first place. The after and before I upset her, the before and after she was way too sensitive.

Then all of the pictures start to meld into one and all I see is that face staring straight at me waiting for something, I don't know, God only knows, Dog only knows.

("I'm so 'fuck dog.'")

Whatever border surrounds her doesn't even matter anymore, and then that thing happens, the thing where if you look into a mirror, or at a picture, or say your name or a word over and over and over again it just starts to look or sound like nothing. It's just a reflection of light or a vibration of the air but it looks so familiar and then right about then I start to realize the extent to which this girl occupies my life. And it starts to scare me. Again.

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