I was on a good track, taking care of myself. Studio hunting, demoing tracks, really focusing on myself for a little bit. So eagerly I hopped back into the background, or to stage left, I guess.

Can't relax. Surrounded by dirty looks and passive aggression. I really can't figure out why she keeps asking me to come back. For everyone else I've seen her interact with, skill has never factored into whether or not she likes them. It's always been "He was rude" or "He made me uncomfortable" when they were actually just doing their jobs. Approval is won by appeasing her, not challenging, not improving.

Attendance is down. She cuts her set down to an hour or less. I leave the stage feeling like I've conned these kids. Charging $3 for a sticker, no haggling, no hand-outs, god forbid she doesn't make 500% back on a piece of paper with glue on the back.

I feel like my spirits are being chipped away. By the end of this tour I'll be a shell. I can't let it get to where it got to last time, I tell her boyfriend, who used to manage us.

And he agrees with me, citing how he came to my defense last time, You only apologized last time because you knew the conversation wouldn't end until you did.

I want to agree, but then I remember he's likely a double agent, and any admission of my insincerity will get back to her. If I so much as hint that this may in fact be my last outing with her, so as to not to cheat on my resolve to "stop doing shit I don't want to do," the next week of this tour will be hell. She's already made it clear that I won't be on the next CD ("this is weird to talk about with mike in the car. is this making you feel weird?"), and my insides tell me that I'm watching her decline.

So for now it's I just want to make sure we back from this in one piece and he's eating a taco in the driver's seat while we idle outside a market in Astoria.