It occurred to me in my dream, when the tides changed, that she is going to leave me for South Korea.

It's my choice in the end, but I'm being faced with extending my long distance relationship to six-months and a twelve hour time difference, or...not having that frustration in my life. Should it be worth it? Is that the answer?

For the first time in many years, I'm back to high school. Pain in my stomach. I'm furious at her for this. I didn't sign up to be left.

I laid [most of] my hand out last night, trying so hard not discourage her from her dreams. I had a good friend who went to med school in Tel Aviv, because it was the only place that would take him. He and his girlfriend stayed together, and are still together. But this was for his career, so he could become a doctor in America.

K wants to go to South Korea to teach english, because she wants to travel. If that's what she desires to do, then that's what she desires. But she's never taught, has never expressed any desire to do so, except to say that she 'could never teach in America, because the students don't appreciate education,' which is to say, I think, 'I could never put effort into teaching.'

And that's where I lose her. That's where I cave, snap and tell her that she's procrastinating, what she wants is arbitrary and could be obtained by taking a vacation. I am all that is wrong with the modern man, trying to crush her desires, to keep her down. I want her to be so great, but only while she's here with me.

It churns my insides to talk like this, and I know it's a sign of desperation, an infant flailing and throwing a tantrum to get what he wants.

And to confirm that thought, there is an underlying pulse, continually running beneath all of my talk and argument, 'You will not cave. You will not cave. You will not cave.'