Hi,

K ended it tonight.

She came to Manhattan yesterday with her family to celebrate the Chinese New Year. She said tonight that within 5 minutes of being around me yesterday she knew she didn't want to be with me anymore. She made it pretty apparent. I don't know what to say. I don't really believe a lot of what she said tonight. The I'll miss yous and I love you stills. I've heard it before, it doesn't prove to be true. I eventually called her on it, I said there was something she wasn't telling me, there had to be someone/thing else. It took a while but she said that she had been thinking about a guy she works with. I focused a lot on that for a while and got upset, said a lot of mean things, called her a lot of names (which I later apologized for).

I told you we had that fight three weeks ago, it hasn't been the same since. Just couldn't get on the same page with how much effort I was putting into seeing her. I didn't visit soon enough, it hurt her. I just couldn't believe that she couldn't cut me some slack, with this month being my busiest in so long. She wanted me to get off the plane from LA and get on a bus to see her. She wanted me to call out from work three weeks ago to spend the weekend with her. I get defensive until I think about it. S and others are obviously 'siding' with me, saying that she should have come to the city more often if she was that concerned about seeing each other. You're the one with rent to pay, Mike, other people are depending on you.

No matter how much they support me I'll still know I could have done more to prevent this, even going back to when we'd just graduated. Could have moved out of mom and dad's sooner, gone to visit her more often.

I know there's nothing I can do anymore, I'm not freaking out like I did with J. There's just this heaviness I get reminded of every few minutes, even while I'm feeling okay. I know how breakups go, there's a whole lot of waterworks up front by the person doing the breaking, and shortly after they up with someone new. I just felt so blindsided by yesterday, when she just decided it wasn't going to work anymore. We've worked through so many fights, almost four years' worth, and she couldn't stick it out for a few more weeks until she left for Korea, to make it a scheduled break up, the one we planned.

This is all unsolicited, I know. I just needed to get it all out and I figured it'd be better to let you know sooner. Not asking for advice, because I'm knee deep in it now, and I feel like most of it is pretty useless. I know it went wrong, it had to end sometime. I just didn't think it would look so fucked up when it was all said and done.

Keep calm, carry on. You know me.

Mike