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i cherish solitude
2012-07-11 - 12:51 a.m.

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I'm touring for a week. Michigan, Columbus, Chicago, Louisville. Then Boston and NYC. All I can think about is going home to visit the baby. Just the most basic joy. I try not to think too much of this new girl E, because I can guarantee she isn't thinking of me.

Today was Day 1 and JN is already wrecking my shit. I want to say she's acting like a child, but a child doesn't calmly tell you to leave her alone because she's 'going to start acting like a bitch if you talk to me.' I want to say she's the antichrist, but she's not. She just can't roll with the punches, and I don't associate with people that can't bend like I do. Strength is admirable, but if the wind is stronger than your trunk, you will break.

She flipped out in LA after our set at VidCon. The bad sound and screw ups were worse in her head than they were in reality and she ran away and hid and left me to sell and sign by myself. She said it was the worst we'd ever played and she was disgusted.

I got an apology e-mail a few days after we got back. She saw a video of our worst song and it wasn't bad. She said she overreacted and that I was the best bandmate/tour manager anyone could ask for.

Today in the car she told our crew member that story and reverted to the 'worst we've ever played' mode. I stared into space and kept driving and I felt like the e-mail meant nothing and I realized that nothing I'm doing means anything and I just wanted to be on Long Island playing with my baby cousin.

Yesterday I was lifting heavy bags down a staircase and she asked me if she could fire her manager and hire me as her PA and pay me an hourly. I knew the answer immediately, but I told her we'd talk about it later. She hasn't brought it up since.

I don't know what I'm going to tell her, but the real answer is that I can't be her punching bag. I see how she treats people that don't live up to her expectations. Fuck, I've been on the receiving end many times. Any job I take should be a challenge, and superiors will always be frustrating. To think any of this should be easy...that's dumb. But the merit is fading and my savings are dwindling and I think about giving up on this chapter everyday.

Everyday.

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