Can't shake the dreams.

K found me in a grocery store. I was approaching the exit and she appeared. She stood there for a few seconds and I scowled at her. In that moment we both gave up on communication and started to walk by the other, as if we were each just another obstacle in the foyer.

It took me a second to swallow my pride, and I turned around and went back to find her. Grabbed her by the wrist and said, 'No, I'm here,' because I knew she'd come to make peace.

Everything after that felt bad. I either showed her wherever I was living, or she showed me hers. She started talking about all of the wild times she'd had, how much more experienced she was now. She mentioned some Korean guy she was living with.

We kept avoiding talking about us, which was fine, but I had to wake myself up as soon as the whole thing started approaching lucidity.

I opened my eyes thinking that there was some reason for the dream. She must have messaged me overnight or something, I thought, and I reached for my phone. All I had in my inbox was this month's gas bill.

A lot of it is that I know I won't see her again unless I initiate it. She got the message. I wish it wasn't pride and bitterness that kept me from reaching out to her, but I know that's not all it. I can't reopen this stuff. I have a general idea of what her life is and that's enough to give me nightmares.

It's like JN. I can't bring myself to see what her new bandmates sound like with her. This isn't about me anymore, and I have to move on and do something else.

Before all the dreams last night, I went out to an old roommate's birthday party. She kept it small, only invited ten or so friends out to a bar.

Spoke with an old college acquaintance there. She's a photographer working for another photographer, and we talked about how easy it is to say you belong to someone else. It gives you an excuse to let your own work idle, because you can leech someone else's success and claim it as your own just because you're still working for it.

Makes me sad sometimes that I need two or three drinks before I can make conversation with the people around me. Until then I stare at a TV. My old roommate shakes me and she says "Are you okay? Do you know anyone? Let me introduce you."

I ended up at a karaoke bar with them, and I contemplated ending the night prematurely by performing an angry Eminem song, but opted to duet A Whole New World with another college friend.

Crushed it.

People always say, "I didn't know you had it in you." Even at stupid shit like karaoke.