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god i hope i don't get herpes
2013-05-20 - 12:45 a.m.

Feeling a massive amount of negative energy invading my brainspace. If I try to verbalize it, it just sounds awful. I might just be awful.

My manipulative uncle. Tugging at me, questioning my love for the family because I don't want to be his personal tech support. Telling me it's about spending time together, sharing "a meal and laughs" and helping him learn something in the process. Telling me "he's hurt" because I want to keep family and work separate.

Bullshit.

Do you see?

This girl I've been seeing. "Wrap it up, no matter what she says," my best friend tells me. I would never not listen to him.

And the first time, it's like clockwork. I go for protection and she voices her opposition to using it. It's a question, but it turns into whining.

"This is the way I feel comfortable," I say.

She complains, ruins anything that could be considered a "moment". She claims she has no STDs and is on birth control, as if it's okay to take something like that at face value, from a relative stranger. Then she jumps into accusatory mode, asking me if I'm "a slut."

I parry her mini-tantrum and say it's fine, we don't have to at all. She recants and pouts an "okay" when she realizes that I really could go to bed without an issue. I feel her rolling her eyes in the dark as we start.

On Saturday night she cancels plans we made. I tell her I'll figure something else out, then got on the train to grab one drink with Sam. When I came back above ground I get a phone call. She asks what my plans are now, and I tell her where I am, what I'm doing. That I'm not staying out. My phone is dying, I'll get back to her when I connect with Sam.

I meet Sam and a few others, get a seat at their table and in a minute my phone rings. She's at train hub in the middle of Brooklyn because she figured "It would be the easiest place to get to whatever place you are."

I tell her the truth. I've been up since 5 AM, I ran a half-marathon that day. I worked a 9 hour shift on my feet right afterwards. I came to this neighborhood to have a quick beer, and I'll be leaving within a half-hour to go home and sleep. By the time she gets to the neighborhood where Sam and I are, we'll be gone.

She keeps pressing to come meet me, no matter how many times I explain that it doesn't make sense. She feigns helplessness, plays the guilt card and says that now she's somewhere random because of me. She says she's lost. I tell her to use her phone and find her way home, she's standing next to every major train in the borough.

I rejoin Sam and the others. Talk for a minute and the phone rings again. Now she sounds desperate. "Why can't I just come and meet you?" She just wants to spend the night, she says. And I explain again that I'm dead, she cuts me off and says we don't have to have sex, she just wants to literally sleep with me. And I say no, I need to sleep alone.

It should be sweet. The girl just wants to spend time with me. But it's not. To the degree we know each other, she should okay with the word "no." If she's trying to get to know me, she shouldn't apply this kind of pressure. She shouldn't be this manipulative.

I went to the movies tonight with Sam. Halfway through the film my phone rang in my pocket. I started sweating at the thought that it might be her. Felt a pit in my stomach, brought on by more than just the rising conflict within the movie we were watching. When the house lights came up I held my breath and checked my phone. It had been my mother calling. The uneasiness in my stomach went away.

I feel like I made another mistake. I'm starting to feel terrible. Unstable.

earlier - later