On the phone Mom says she saw pictures of late last July. I had more weight on me, I had better color, I had more light in my eyes.

"We need to get you a better 2015," she says. I don't really believe that 2014 was that much of a shit. It was just a big nothing. Even the parts of it that should have felt amazing felt tainted.

The panic attacks come like small waves, had one around 6am. Surfacing from a light sleep, the fear of not getting enough sleep gripped my stomach. I don't think Erin noticed, it was just heavy breathing and a little pain and when I started drifting down again it subsided.

When I woke up it was a little like flipping something over. The room was lit up and I was in her bed and I didn't want to leave. It was a new and old feeling that made me excited and nervous for the year.