A couple of months ago I promised Samantha that I would go to her first improv show.

Tonight I went. After she denied we ever kissed last week (a joke, I think), after her on-again boyfriend came to visit, after I stopped reaching out to her, I thought it would be good to follow through.

She was great. She's a natural and she'll keep getting better. I reconnected with her friends. I met her mom.

I spent a lot of time today picking apart what I'm missing in the girls I'm finding here, the girl I spent last night with. They always have this wall up, some nervousness or act and I don't feel like I'm really talking to them. Samantha didn't have that and that's what was different.

I saw her friend Fran tonight, and after talking for a few minutes I realized I was talking to a human. She's 29, working in reproductive law and she seemed very broken but trying to make the best of her night out. She was sweet and I had a feeling of excitement and interest, beyond sexuality.

I guess mashing this all out at 3 am is just to remind myself that it's not just Sam. The feeling does come, albeit with a long interim.