I got cropped out. Well, not even. Copy/pasted over. I have a gut reaction but my higher brain kicks in and remembers the conversation I had with her about her old producer getting "butt-hurt" over some text message slight.

"Butt hurt" is how I put things in perspective now. From what I've assimilated, it's being pissed off at things that don't necessarily have a lot to do with you. Maybe an inability to see the other side.

If I could write from a place of anger then it would probably be a better read. But there's too much time to edit, too many perspectives to take.

At some point it gets really difficult to have that level of self-awareness. Right, it keeps me in check, I don't complain as much anymore, and I don't hold as many grudges. But my technique isn't advanced enough and all that blame has to go somewhere eventually.

I think what I'm feeling isn't coming exactly from a malignant envy. I do wish for a lot of things, but I fall back on "you don't deserve it, you're not working hard at it" mixed with a little bit of genuine content for my own aimless trajectory.

If I could address what bothers me, I just wish she hadn't used the picture and replaced me. I'm not her bassist on Friday night, but it's because I don't live in Los Angeles and she wanted to advertise her full-band show but didn't have picture to support the post. If I was in Los Angeles I would be her first choice. She's flown me out twice--due to a cash surplus and because she knew I was worth it.

I still wonder if she thought about me while making it. It's conceited to assume that she did, but entertaining the thought: was it "fuck him, he's not here" or "yeah he might be butt hurt" or "he is a mature adult and will not be upset at me covering up his face with someone else's because he has made his choice to live on an opposite and inconvenient coast and maybe I'll reconvene with him at some point in the future."

Thus, Butt Hurt. But very aware of my Hurt Butt.