Tonight was the icing on the cake. Less than thirty seconds to get through reading it all, and by the end of it I just felt so much like nothing at all.

Realizing you really are filler/background/extra. And not even parallel with the comic relief in others' lives, the characters, the stories, the messes. Just...fucking boring.

For some reason you all keep coming back here, and for that I'm thankful/puzzled, but also I realize you're just making your rounds.

It makes me want to throw away this person I built. That's why I said to Kach three weeks ago, 'I want to get obliterated this summer'. Because, let's face it, if I'm even the slightest bit more interesting/confident/funny while intoxicated, I will literally take any victory I can get.

I saw video. Thirty-five seconds of a hair fliff. I could do that. I could have done that. Then I can realize that thirty-five seconds is...thirty-five seconds (and 8th grade) and I don't think I really every got the full picture, or understood what I really looked like.

I said it out loud to the others in the car, 'This part I can get over. This is immature,' because coming to terms with it verbally is a great step in getting yourself to believe it. And I will.

I listen closely to what I lift, looking for where I fit into it all.

Also, congrats to my brother. He's the fucking man.